#the real barty

[maxdibert]

Barty Crouch and Evan Rosier would never have looked down on Severus Snape for calling Lily Evans a mudblood; they probably just felt genuinely disappointed that he hadn’t gone further and chopped her into pieces with sectumsempra. The conversation must have gone something like this:

Evan: Mate, Mulciber told me the mudblood broke up with Snape because he called her a mudblood lol

Barty: But did he slit her throat or something?

Evan: No, mate, just telling her what she is

Barty: What a drag, then. It wasn’t even that big of a deal. I would’ve hung her from the tower and let the birds eat her.

Evan: Maaaate, now that would’ve been a fucking great show.

[moonyswarmsweaters]

Uncle Bee and uncle Evy with baby luna- a canon interaction Barty: Okay Luna, there are 206 bones in the body, but! I’m gonna teach you how to dislocated someone’s body in 230 ways-

Pandora: Barty, She’s a child

Luna:

Barty: Oh yeah! You’re right.

*turns around for a few moments before turning back with puppets over his hands*

Barty, in somewhat a kermit voice: Hi kids! We're going to show you how to dislocate someone's body! Let's start with the Clavicle region. Do you know where that is?

Pandora: Oh my god

———*after a while*———

Evan: Wait what did you teach her?

Barty: There are 206 bones in the human body...

Evan: Barty! She is a CHILD!

Evan: If you are fighting an opponent your age Luna, there may be up to 270 bones in the human body. Children's bones ares still fusing together. Here is how you can use that....

[morsmortish]

i find barty and regulus’s friendship so funny. we have the permanently offended, supremely uptight, haughty, easily scandalised, victorian woman-esque, judgemental heir to the richest and most prominent wizarding family on one side, and then we have the sleaziest, most lewd and reprehensible ‘human being’ on the other. everytime barty forms a full sentence a year is taken off regulus’s lifespan. and yet barty is still significantly more intelligent than his best friend, and everytime regulus is reminded of this (every day) his eye twitches and he visualises how lovely barty would look without a head.

[gaybeanman]

I was half asleep and reilised that evan and Pandora aren't canonicly siblings and James potter is canonicly white and there all canonicly straight and kinda mean

I can't sleep now

[lunarlivs]

some lilybarty rot <33!

[gabriels-golden-kazoo]

Pre Rosekiller be like:

Evan: Dude, you need to stop slapping my ass.

Barty: I’m not.

Regulus: *silently suffering* How about everyone leaves everyone’s ass alone.

Evan: It’s not even me, he’s slapped me like five times.

Barty: Actually it was eight.

Regulus: *distressed* WHY ARE YOU COUNTING?

[zeel-zzz]

Barty is the type of person who has thought about and even gone as far as to plan how he would kill each one of his friends.

the one who have the most horrific murder are the ones he loves most. you can only imagine what he would do to Evan.

[marauders-brain-rot]

Barty: you ever think the bee movie is just a metaphor for a man with a micro penis?

Pandora who was happily minding her business: *stunned silence* I-

[slightly-more-valid-prongs]

barty "i don't care if you're sick, i don't care if you're contagious" crouch jr

evan "i would kiss you even if you were dead" rosier

[sylviaplathenthusiast]

barty: i think i would genuinely fuck my clone and enjoy it, does that make me fucked up?

evan: i think itd be fucked up to pass up an opportunity to fuck you

barty: sorry?

evan: huh?

[luizd3ad]

NFWMB | Barty Crouch Jr x Reader

ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁 ࣪˖⤷ .𖥔 ݁ ˖ ࣪ ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁 ˖ ⤷

Pairing: Barty Crouch Jr x GN! reader

WC: 180

CW: angry Barty, Talks of Bullying, Barty being protective, so slight angst, no use of Y/N

Authors Note: Just a little blurb for an idea I got while listening to hozier. I've just been having Barty brain rot lately.

Summary: Someone made you cry and Barty isn’t having it.

⊱ ─────── ஓ๑∗๑ஓ ────── ⊰

“Who did it?”

You look up at a furious looking Barty Crouch jr, with your tear stained face you shake your head lightly.

“Leave it alone Barty.. Please” You say letting out a sigh and looking down at your hands.

“Angel. I’m only going to ask one more time before I burn this whole bloody school down.”

Barty says crouching down in front of you to make you look him in the eyes.

“Who did this? Who made my angel cry?”

Barty says tucking a piece of your hair behind your ear and looking more serious than you think you’ve ever seen him be before, it was actually quite unnerving if you're being honest.

“Mulciber and Avery.. They were calling me names and just being cruel..”

Barty nods his head slowly and stands up and kisses the top of your head.

“I'll be back, angel.”

“Barty please don't do anything, just leave it be.”

“Can’t.” 

Barty says walking to the door of your dorm and he looks at you one more time before leaving, saying.

“Nothing Fucks with my baby.”

⊱ ────── ஓ๑∗๑ஓ ─────── ⊰

[pearlynia]

James: Communication is key

Regulus: well then I lost the key

Barty, Evan and Sirius losing it in the back

[moonyswarmsweaters]

Uncle Bee and uncle Evy with baby luna- another canon interaction Pandora: Where's Luna?

Evan: Barty's playing dress-up with her

Pandora: He is?

Evan: *shrugs* She was upset about some kid in kindergarten calling her names

Pandora: That's sweet of him, distracting her like that

Evan:

Evan: Sure. That's what he's doing

Meanwhile

Barty: *going through Luna's closet* Now these shoes have a reinforced sole, meaning your kick's gonna be twice as painful

[not-rab]

the marauders fandom has officially consumed me i am now in dire need of a marauders harry potter au

[deathnguts]

This is beyond Bartylus coded you guys

Barty in his shitty pajamas sitting on the damp bathroom tile to continue to be by regulus even while he bathes because they’re codependent and domestic and like that

Also I imagine the only reason Barty isn’t just in the bath with him is because he has stitches that can’t get wet from a knife fight he got in for who knows why

[daddiesdrarryy]

Pandora: What's the stupidest thing you've ever done, Reggie?

Regulus: James

Pandora: No, like a mistake you've made

Regulus: James

Pandora: Like something you regret doing

Regulus: Still James

Barty: I don't think it counts as a regrettable mistake if you keep going back and doing it every night

Regulus: I never learn my lesson!